Why Insights Matter

Insights: The capacity to gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing…A clear, deep and often sudden understanding of a complex problem or situation, allowing you to see the “inner nature of things” or true cause and effect…The ability to perceive hidden truths or motivations, often revealed through intuition, which leads to new perspectives and potential solutions.

I pulled those from an AI Overview in Google. I like the last one best. When we’re willing to raise our awareness and look at ourselves - our behavior, feelings, urges, thoughts - more objectively, then we are able to grow and change. Insights into ourselves help us to see who we are and why we do the things and think the things we do more clearly. With that awareness, we can decide if we want to be different. Without that awareness we continue to plod along uncounsciously, behaving the same ways whether the outcome is positive or not. It’s like putting your reading glasses on to see the small print menu in dark light better so you really know what you’re ordering for dinner.

It’s embarrassing to admit that up until a few years ago I assumed that most everyone wants to know why they (or others) do what they do…behave or think the way they do. I’ve longed to understand myself and others for as long as I can remember. Most everyone who has come to see me for therapy is also longing to change at least. It wasn’t until a good old friend complaining about a co-worker that many people were actually leaving their jobs because they were so exasperated with this person and management was doing nothing about it - and I kept asking my friend, “but why do you think she does this?”. She ignored me the first couple of times and then said, “I don’t give !#*! why she does it, I just want her to stop!” That cracked me up, but also astounded me. She truly didn’t care why. She was fed up with the coworders behavior.

That was when I realized that many people don’t try to see past another person’s or their own behaviors to understand the bigger picture.

Yet we are all products of our history. We all behave the ways that we do for reasons that can be explained and understood…though sometimes you have dig pretty deep to uncover the reasons.

Understanding why someone else acts a certain way can bring compassion and/or empathy. It can reduce some of our suffering and frustration if we can at least understand them. At the very least, just trusting that there are reasons for their behavior can help us.

But if you are a person with a “growth mindset” who wants to become more and more true to yourself and how you want to show up in this world, then you need to be open to and work on personal insights.

I worked with a man once who was very kind and gentle and creative. He was married with a young child/toddler. He came to see me because his wife was unhappy with him much of the time. He understood why she was unhappy and cirtical. He was able to validate her critcism because he was at least aware of why he behaved the ways that he did…her primary complaint was that when he was at home with her and the child, he wasn’t present…he was preoccupied and not really engaged in the moment. He saw it but didn’t know why he was like that or how to change it. But he cared enough to come to therapy to try to figure it out…and that was a tough obstacle to overcome (as it is for many people - a topic for another blog post:) He had insight into why his wife cared so deeply about this dynamic, but not into why he wasn’t more engaged. So we began exploring his experience in those moments, his current work/life balance, and his family history. It didn’t take long to figure out that his father was not present with the kids in the evenings - he did his own thing. And, the client was longing for more time to write music, as his passion is playing music, but he felt he “should” be spending time with his family after work. We explored his negative thoughts about himself when it came to this dynamic with his family and his wife’s harsh words that contributed to his beating himself up but not changing. Once he could see the picture of more clearly and from a distance, he realized that he really did want to be more present with his wife and young child. He became tearful at the thought of wasting any time he had with his young son. Then he had to learn to let the guilt go and to focus on the now.

I most always introduce mindfulness practice to my clients. That was the tool this client needed. He took the simply instructions I gave and ran with it! He asked for more to read and most importantly, he began practicing daily. His insights into his behavior grew rapidly. And, very soon after he naturally became more present with his child…actually playing with him rather than pretending to play while thinking about other things. He started engaging in conversation at the dinner table and caring about how his wife’s day had gone. The heavy guilt and shame he had worn when he first came to therapy was gone. He was finding more balance in life and joy with his family. He kept his mindfulness practice going and we established that he didn’t need therapy any more…after only 6 sessions! It all started with a difficult situation that prompted him to get help and his willingness to take a good look at himself and the situation in order to gain insight. With the new insights into himself, his history and his wife, he could let go of the shame that was holding him back and focus on making changes. With the new tool of mindfulness practice, he was able to accelerate his behavior changes and become a new version of his best self.

The tools used to make the changes we want to make can differ. Mindfulness is a powerful one for anyone willing to try it, but there are many tools. What must happen first is for you to be willing to put those glasses (or a magnifying glass!?) on and take a closer look at what is happening in your life that’s causing distress. With new information/insights, then you can begin to implement change…or not. It’s a choice we all have.