Trauma & Mountain Lions

I had a mountain lion encounter.  It was terrifying.  I want to write, so that I remember, about my nervous system response to this experience.  So as I tell this story I will focus on what I was experiencing in my body in addition to the details of the lived event.  I will also notice what it brings up for me as I write…paying attention to my body and my emotions.

A dear friend was visiting from out of town and we decided to take the dogs for a walk before she left.  We chose to go up Moose Ck, which is a favorite for me and the dogs - closeby, mellow walk with lots of water for the dogs and in the woods, good trail and fairly frequented by hikers, but not likely to run into too many people.

It was an overcast midmorning.  We had Circe, my new-to-us Malinois/German Shepherd mix and my ZinZan who is a 5yr old male German Shepherd.  They both had their e-collars on in case something happens and they won’t return to me, I can page them.  And they wore their retractable leash collars in case I needed to leash them.  They are good dogs that are fairly well-trained, but Circe does like to seek out yucky stuff to eat like dead things or poop and she likes to chase deer and Zinny just has a problem getting too excited about new dogs and running up to meet them thereby scaring dogs and their owners…thus the doggy attire.

Though I know after living in the mountains for 30yrs that we may run into big predators, I have begun to get lacksadaisical or, I suppose, careless.  I didn’t bring bear spray or even my phone.  I often don’t if truth be told.  I walk and run this trail with the dogs quite a bit and feel pretty safe doing so.  What a stupid thing to even say…yes, it’s great that I feel safe, but I know better and should have been prepared for encountering a bear or mtn lion!

So, my friend and I are walking along.  I call to the dogs if they start to go off trail or too far ahead and they come back.  They’re being good.  No one else is on the trail.  We’re talking about all kinds of things, like what my new coaching niche will be and walking along comfortably as usual in nature when Circe is just a few hundred feet ahead and goes off the side of the trail.

Then we hear some commotion that is hard for me to recall, followed by Circe yelping loudly.

I recall the panic setting in and my mind connecting the dots in an instant that she’s in danger…in a tangle certainly with a wild animal.  She yelps more.  I start screaming for her and running forward to find her.  She’s maybe 15ft up the trail facing a mountain lion and barking.

I keep yelling for her to come and then ZinZan runs towards the cat - growling and barking and lunging.  The cat roars and lunges.  I get as close as 10ft from the cat and try to act big - stomping my feet and yelling “No!!!!!”  It backs up a step and then steps forward and growls louder.  

I start backing up.  Facing it.  Yelling and then screaming my lungs out for Zinny to come.  Then paging him to come, but he will only retreat for a second and returns to facing the mtn lion.  I am in a panic - screaming until I’m hoarse - heart pounding - certain that I’m going to see my dog get ripped apart.  I was filled with fear & adrenalin. I would have jumped that cat if it jumped Z! Crazy lady!

Finally Z circles back close enough to me that I can take just a few steps closer and grab his tail before he goes back to the mtn lion that is still only a few more feet away.  He yelps when I grab him…not because I hurt him, but because he was also in fight/flight/freeze mode - expecting to be attacked.  He glanced back to see it was me and I was able to grab the handle to his retractable leash collar.  He pulled with all  his might towards the lion, but I kept backing away yelling at the lion in my deepest voice - pulling at Zinny and telling him to come, but he wasn’t having it.  It’s so instinctive for him to protect and he’s never really been put to the test like this before.  I pulled at him and yelled at the lion.  Yelled for Libby to grab C’s leash too.  The mountain lion kept moving towards us and growling at us.  

I’m sweating and panting and pulling and trying to keep Z from tripping me- knowing that if I fell that would be a good opportunity for the cat to pounce.  Trying to keep my footing.  Trying not to turn and run because I know you shouldn’t run from a mtn lion…that would only increase it’s prey instincts.  I guessed/hoped  it wasn’t thinking of us as prey and was just pissed and wanted us away, but I’m still unsure of that.  My friend started heading back down the trail where we had come from and got out of sight, but I knew I shouldn’t turn my back on it and Zinny still pulled back towards the cat lunging and growling everytime the cat growled.  I took the risk and looked away from the cat and walked - not running - turning back constantly to see it still on us.  I yelled for Libby to wait - knowing that 4 of us would be more intimidating to it than just me and Z.  

We gained a little distance but could still see it following us and growling loudly.

Zinny finally started to walk fast by my side, also turning to see it every few seconds and lunging. Then I’d pull him back and take a bunch of steps and then turn back.  Again it was there letting us know and growling/roaring…but it wasn’t getting closer.  Yet it was still following!

I gasped. My head throbbed like I’ve never felt.  My whole system was so escalated that I really questioned if I could sustain this level of arousal.  We yelled loudly as we moved in hope that it would deter it.  It only roared back.  We kept going at a steady pace.  Careful not to fall.  Yelling - roaring ourselves.  We couldn’t see it for a few seconds and then it would appear - always growling and roaring…filling the space with it’s sound.  Then we wouldn’t see it for a little longer, but each time, it kept roaring and would eventually reappear on the trail behind us - never more than 100ft away.  Each time I turned away to see where I was going, I feared it running while my head was turned and attacking.  This went on for 15-20 minutes.  15-20 minutes of sheer panic.  Right when we hadn’t seen it for a few minutes,  a group of people appeared ahead with a bunch of dogs.  I felt relief for the first time.  I knew them!  More relief.  But I couldn’t catch my breath, the panic was still there, my heart still pounded and I sweat and my head throbbed.  We warned them and they also decided to turn around and let us go ahead, for which I’m so thankful.  It gave us relief to know they were between us and the cat and surely the cat wouldn’t approach an even bigger group with more dogs!?

I couldn’t believe it kept following 2 people and 2 ferocious dogs!

So we walked ahead.  Still afraid and in a panic.  We walked out fully hypervigilant.  Warned a couple that was about to head down the trail and I noticed myself longing to tell the story to someone.   I loaded dogs in the van and finally had a chance to check out Circe.  I couldn’t find any wounds.

We drove back to my house.  I called my husband as soon as I had service.  I had noticed at the van that my hands were trembling.  The trembling continued and so did the heart-racing.  I wanted to cry as a release, but only a few tears came.  I needed to talk, but my husband could only talk for a minute.  My friend was in her own car.

Back at the house, I paced and couldn’t focus.  My friend took a shower and I made tulsi tea in hopes it would help to calm us.  She  noticed that one or both of the dogs stank. Zinny was clearly stressed, but Circe seemed fine.  

My friend had to head home and thought she’d be ok to drive.  I was worried about her driving, but she wanted to get back to pick up her kids from school in Lander.  She agreed to stop if she wasn’t ok.  I tried to call people and reached my friend, Julie.  While telling the story I noticed that I was having to catch my breath and I was beginning to shake all over.  It felt right to talk, but my body was having a strong reaction to it.  We got off the phone and I made myself think more about what my body needed right then…”think, Christina!  What do you know?  What do you need?”  All I could think of was that I should lie down to help my nervous system to reset.  I lie down with my feet up the wall.   Circe came to lie with me.  And my body began to shake uncontrollably…my shoulders lifting up and down in a spasm and little tremors all over my body.

Right about that time, Libby called me from the road and asked if I was alright, “because I’m not!”  She had had to pull over on her way home because she was beginning to see lights and having blurry vision - perhaps the beginning of a migraine.  I asked if she was in a place where she could lie down in the back seat and feel safe.  She questioned her safety with the bison nearby, but I encouraged her that she was safe in the car and to focus on their gentle sounds.  We both slowed our breaths and tried to make our exhales loooong.  I reminded us both that we are safe and we need to not let our physical symptoms scare us, but trust that it’s just our nervous systems trying to regulate after some major trauma.  I asked if she’d heard of binaural beats - which I only recently researched and she said, yes, in fact she had an app on her phone!  She agreed to try that for calming.  Her vision began to clear and we signed off. I stayed on the floor letting my body purge the energy.  Then I had the idea of recalling the event with my eyes closed and using bilateral stimulation by moving my eyes back and forth like when I do EMDR with clients.  It’s not part of the protocol necessarily, but I had a hunch that it might help.

By the next day I was able to tell the story without shaking much.  Two days later I could tell it and not shake at all, but most remarkably, I was able to remember the mountain lion and it’s growling, but it had become more distant…less real.  Remarkable.  This is like what some of my clients describe after doing EMDR with me.  The things I know that helped this traumatic experience to be processed and not stuck were that I took action (and thankfully was able to - often that is not the case in traumatic experiences), I moved my body, I talked to people I trust about it, allowed my body to do what it naturally seemed to know it needed and then I added the eye movement…

We all face adverse experiences and trauma in life.  Sadly some people face lots of it.  When faced with a terrifying experience and especially when it’s prolonged, our nervous system can become frayed and take a long time to return to it’s baseline.  Our brains often do not process traumatic memories as other memories are processed, which may result in the memory being paired with the emotions we felt at the time of the trauma.  So, in the future when something happens that consciously or subconsciously remind us of that even, we can become flooded with the same emotions that we felt at that time.  Then we may begin to make choices to avoid those stimulus without knowing why.  This is one way that  patterns of maladaptive behavior are created.

We know so much more about the interaction between traumatic experiences and the brain and body now than we I began my career 25yrs ago.  What I most want people to know is that there are ways to reprocess traumatic experiences so that the memories do not impact your life in negative ways moving forward.

I want everyone to know that you do not have to live with negative effects of trauma forever.

There are ways to help!

And, in the moments of trauma and after, there are things we can do to help our systems to regulate.  Most importantly, do not try to pretend it didn’t happen and bury it.  

Ask for help.