The Howlers Came Back!

A note before you read: this piece was written before the 7.7 earthquake that struck Panama last week. We're safe, though the aftershocks are still with us, and I'm still finding my footing. I'll write about that when I'm ready. For now, I wanted to share this one, because trusting the process through doubt feels more relevant to me than ever.

The Howlers Came Back!

The kitchen gecko I thought was my friend pees on me from the ceiling when I burn something. What I thought were beetles (actually cicadas) fly straight at my face when they sneak in at night. The bats keep chirping and pooping, letting us know we haven't sealed every hole they can get through. Our precious dog got tick fever even though he'd been treated. And then, on a morning after too little sleep because the bats wouldn't quiet down, my son resists going to school and begs me to let him go back to Idaho.

This, I realize now, is the feeling, the experience I had hoped not to have. The accumulation that finally makes me ask myself, "What have I done?"

To question this move after months of both box-checking tedium and excited anticipation, talking of it, dreaming of it, preparing for it. Putting off things I would normally enjoy because "I've got to get ready for Panama." Fielding questions about why we would do this, and sitting with the silence of those who don't ask but make up their own stories instead. To let myself question it now feels almost unbearable.

But there it is: the question, and the heavy dread that maybe I made the wrong decision. Maybe the certain sense of sureness I've learned to trust after 57 years of living this life... was wrong? Just thinking it made me feel nauseous.

I guess part of me knew this doubt would come. That's why I feared it.

And when it did arrive, it was a low day. On top of everything, I hadn't seen the howler monkeys in at least a week, and I was getting worried our German Shepherd's intense staring had scared them off. (They're my favorite part of being here.)

By the end of that low day, guess what happened? As I sat in the rocking chair on the porch feeling deflated, the howler monkeys showed up in the trees right next to me!

I had managed to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that arose that day, alongside the big question that had entered my mind. I knew it was just a thought. I knew I didn't have to believe it, or even process it. But the feelings that came with that first "what have I done" took a while to dissipate. I didn't try to cling to them. They just hung on for a bit.

But a part of me still trusted that these big changes, which affect more than just my own life, would turn out to be the best thing for my family and me. That part began to push its way back

to the top of my mind as the day went on. And when I heard those howlers, a familiar warmth began to rise from my core and a big smile came to my face. It was the familiar sense of hope and trust in the Universe. I knew it was all going to be okay.

More challenging days that make me question these choices have followed. But that first one was the toughest. Now I'm able to return to faith in the process more quickly, and the thoughts don't create the kind of panic that first day did. Thankfully.

And I've noticed something else. After another difficult day, I sat on the deck at sunrise. The air was heavy with humidity, and as the sun started to shine through the trees, it created hundreds of beams of brilliant, magical light streaming down through the branches right next to me. It was breathtaking, and it felt like confirmation that I was just where I needed to be.

That's what these hard days are teaching me. They come with big transitions, and some will knock us down for a day or even a week. But they don't last, and something good has a way of showing up on the other side.

If you're in your own season of "what have I done," whatever your version of geckos and bats and homesick kids looks like, I want you to know this isn't a sign you got it wrong. It might just be the part no one warns you about. I help women move through exactly this kind of transition, the kind that asks you to trust yourself before you have proof you were right. If that's where you are, I'd love to talk. You can check out more here, https://www.insightscounselingandcoaching.com/individual-coaching.